Hataash (Despair)
8 years ago
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Facebook | Messages - Desiredata sent by my daughter,lakshmi,
Facebook | Messages - Desiredata ......A beautiful poem ,very simple lesson,to sail smoothly in the ocean of life..!
Monday, June 21, 2010
'' Simple living and high thinking''....that was my father,BABA..!
That was my father...Not only he quoted this often..., but also practised this...Simple living and high thinking..!We called him BABA....!
So much so that today being fathers day... when I wanted to describe him to myself....the first few words which I wrote was this ,which came out with out making any effort to find words..!
Yes, he was an epitome of simplicity...which was alluring......! Though he was not very expressive of his love, like most of the loving fathers.these days do, showering kids with presents.... little he could do even if he wanted , with his small pay packet and six children to shower his love..!
But a doting father he was ,, no doubt ..... i remember..my share of a spoon full of ' egg flip ' ..he used to call it .that was his morning routine...to beat the white of an egg or two, poured carefully. .. to the last drop into.. a white porcelain .bowl and beat it....tuk tuk tuk....the sound for which we kids woke up.......
I also remember how he used to cut the big bananas into half and keep it ready for us...a fruit after lunch...
a habit that has followed me up to this day that i am very uncomfortable.. even if they are missing on my dining table...for a day! but believe me.. i gulp the whole banana..!!!! But it was my youngest brother...DEVI
whom he called Toot . Toota.. ... got a big piece out of the whole banana Baba, my father ate daily without fail.....!
We, children owe our good voice and ear for music to him..(mother also)...the good singer he was... we
used to enjoy his singing sessions...while shaving in the morning..,.some times with the shaving soap on his chin.....
..some times in the kitchen...when we lined up on the bench.....waiting for mother to finish with the last roti.\If at all i know few stories within the story in Mahabharata and Ramayana i owe it to him.. ..Baba..!
Now i realise, how well-read he was...,.as i flip through pages of Ramayana and MAHABHARATHA.....that i had heard about Karna's sacrifice. Kunthi's, predicament, parasuramas. anger.... he used to enact..them all...!
Remembering his student days.. he would tell us about. the good old times,.when he came on stage as ' krishna'..that. the good looking boy he was;....the audience would shout. ONCE MORE ! ONCE MORE.... ! oh..... we would enjoy the scene with so much of thrill and wait for more..! ''AMMA nimma manegalali. namma krishnana. kandirenamma......"he would go on,and sing how mother YASHODA.....went searching for..BABY KRISHNA in her neighbourhood !
Some of my memories include....how he used to offer us four annas.,...to who ever gave him some special service.... like frying some dry fish for him, his favourite, waiting for him, to open the door and serve food for him when he returned late from the club ....,! ! have also earned some money by copying some of the office papers, arriving at the summery of accounts....while he used to bring his office work .. home. Then. . an Auditor , retired as Asst\ Registrar for cooperative societies in coorg!
!...Later i was also posted as auditor in the..bank..and that brought back the memories.... of my first stint with my father!
I thank him for teaching me the value.of. money...the pleasure of earning by offering your labour,for creating an interest in mythological stories..etc at that young an age.
A noble man and a thorough gentle man indeed!
.But it is the way he lived - it is, simple living and high thinking. that has stood by me...to this day!
I am afraid i may go on and on as the memories are pouring out of me.... but i will save it for another time!
So much so that today being fathers day... when I wanted to describe him to myself....the first few words which I wrote was this ,which came out with out making any effort to find words..!
Yes, he was an epitome of simplicity...which was alluring......! Though he was not very expressive of his love, like most of the loving fathers.these days do, showering kids with presents.... little he could do even if he wanted , with his small pay packet and six children to shower his love..!
But a doting father he was ,, no doubt ..... i remember..my share of a spoon full of ' egg flip ' ..he used to call it .that was his morning routine...to beat the white of an egg or two, poured carefully. .. to the last drop into.. a white porcelain .bowl and beat it....tuk tuk tuk....the sound for which we kids woke up.......
I also remember how he used to cut the big bananas into half and keep it ready for us...a fruit after lunch...
a habit that has followed me up to this day that i am very uncomfortable.. even if they are missing on my dining table...for a day! but believe me.. i gulp the whole banana..!!!! But it was my youngest brother...DEVI
whom he called Toot . Toota.. ... got a big piece out of the whole banana Baba, my father ate daily without fail.....!
We, children owe our good voice and ear for music to him..(mother also)...the good singer he was... we
used to enjoy his singing sessions...while shaving in the morning..,.some times with the shaving soap on his chin.....
..some times in the kitchen...when we lined up on the bench.....waiting for mother to finish with the last roti.\If at all i know few stories within the story in Mahabharata and Ramayana i owe it to him.. ..Baba..!
Now i realise, how well-read he was...,.as i flip through pages of Ramayana and MAHABHARATHA.....that i had heard about Karna's sacrifice. Kunthi's, predicament, parasuramas. anger.... he used to enact..them all...!
Remembering his student days.. he would tell us about. the good old times,.when he came on stage as ' krishna'..that. the good looking boy he was;....the audience would shout. ONCE MORE ! ONCE MORE.... ! oh..... we would enjoy the scene with so much of thrill and wait for more..! ''AMMA nimma manegalali. namma krishnana. kandirenamma......"he would go on,and sing how mother YASHODA.....went searching for..BABY KRISHNA in her neighbourhood !
Some of my memories include....how he used to offer us four annas.,...to who ever gave him some special service.... like frying some dry fish for him, his favourite, waiting for him, to open the door and serve food for him when he returned late from the club ....,! ! have also earned some money by copying some of the office papers, arriving at the summery of accounts....while he used to bring his office work .. home. Then. . an Auditor , retired as Asst\ Registrar for cooperative societies in coorg!
!...Later i was also posted as auditor in the..bank..and that brought back the memories.... of my first stint with my father!
I thank him for teaching me the value.of. money...the pleasure of earning by offering your labour,for creating an interest in mythological stories..etc at that young an age.
A noble man and a thorough gentle man indeed!
.But it is the way he lived - it is, simple living and high thinking. that has stood by me...to this day!
I am afraid i may go on and on as the memories are pouring out of me.... but i will save it for another time!
Friday, June 18, 2010
MY MOTHER A TOWEROF STRENGTH !
My mother is a very strong women.who survived the odds ups and downs,
showing great strength,in withstanding them,proving herself a lesson ,
a lesson to to learn and follow. yes I thank God, that I have inherited
her grit and strength mentally, but yet times not the physical strength,
oh no, It is not true, have I not learnt from, that you have to get up ,
and run every time you fall, with out waiting for any body to help,
, , and you are your own strength, find it in yourself!
Pray for her blessings for ever !
Thursday, June 17, 2010
HERE IS THE POEM.....Forgive them anyway..by Mother Theresa.
People are often unreasonable ,
Illogical and self centred,
FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY...!
IF you are kind, people may,
Accuse you of ulterior motive.,
BE KIND ANYWAY...!
If you are successful, you will,
Win some false friends,and..,
Some true enemies,
SUCCEED ANYWAY...!
If you are honest and frank,
People may cheat you,
BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY...!
What you spend years building,
some one may destroy overnight,
BUILD ANYWAY...!
If you find serenity and happiness,
They may be jealous ,
BE HAPPY ANY WAY...!
The good you do today,
People will forget tomorrow,
DO GOOD ANYWAY...!
Give the world the best you have.,
And, it may not be enough ,
GIVE THE BEST YOU HAVE ANY WAY...!
You see in the final analysis ,
IT is all between YOU and GOD ,
IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY...!
Illogical and self centred,
FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY...!
IF you are kind, people may,
Accuse you of ulterior motive.,
BE KIND ANYWAY...!
If you are successful, you will,
Win some false friends,and..,
Some true enemies,
SUCCEED ANYWAY...!
If you are honest and frank,
People may cheat you,
BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY...!
What you spend years building,
some one may destroy overnight,
BUILD ANYWAY...!
If you find serenity and happiness,
They may be jealous ,
BE HAPPY ANY WAY...!
The good you do today,
People will forget tomorrow,
DO GOOD ANYWAY...!
Give the world the best you have.,
And, it may not be enough ,
GIVE THE BEST YOU HAVE ANY WAY...!
You see in the final analysis ,
IT is all between YOU and GOD ,
IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY...!
FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY...!
HERE IS A POEM, I CAME ACROSS EXACTLY WHEN.....,
At a time when i was most hurt in my life,
At a time when my mind was in a turmoil,
At a time when i had lost my peace of mind,
At a time when i was in a dilemma..,
AT a time when i had lost faith in people around ,
And a time when i was in the verge of losing my SELF CONFIDENCE ,
which is 'ME' in me alive ,
which is my breath to live...,
which i had guarded so closely..,
which was with me through thick and thin..
which, i never wanted to lose come what may..,
That was the time I turned a new leaf in my life,
that was the time when i turned the page to read the poem ,
That was the time when the realisation dawned on me,
THAT WAS ALL NEVER BETWEEN ME AND THEM ANY WAY..,
THAT WAS ALL BETWEEN ME AND GOD..ALL THE TIME...!
THIS IS THE POEM WRITTEN BY,
MOTHER THERESA.....WHO IS A MOTHER IN THE REAL SENSE OF THE TERM..REMAINS A
MOTHER TO ALL ... FOR ALL TIMES TO COME.
HERE I AM SHARING THE POEM.. WHICH GAVE ME IMMENSE STRENGTH...AM SURE SO DO YOU !
At a time when i was most hurt in my life,
At a time when my mind was in a turmoil,
At a time when i had lost my peace of mind,
At a time when i was in a dilemma..,
AT a time when i had lost faith in people around ,
And a time when i was in the verge of losing my SELF CONFIDENCE ,
which is 'ME' in me alive ,
which is my breath to live...,
which i had guarded so closely..,
which was with me through thick and thin..
which, i never wanted to lose come what may..,
That was the time I turned a new leaf in my life,
that was the time when i turned the page to read the poem ,
That was the time when the realisation dawned on me,
THAT WAS ALL NEVER BETWEEN ME AND THEM ANY WAY..,
THAT WAS ALL BETWEEN ME AND GOD..ALL THE TIME...!
THIS IS THE POEM WRITTEN BY,
MOTHER THERESA.....WHO IS A MOTHER IN THE REAL SENSE OF THE TERM..REMAINS A
MOTHER TO ALL ... FOR ALL TIMES TO COME.
HERE I AM SHARING THE POEM.. WHICH GAVE ME IMMENSE STRENGTH...AM SURE SO DO YOU !
Monday, June 7, 2010
YES,THAt WAS BIG DAY.....
YES,THAT WAS A BIG DAY IN MY LIFE
THAT day accompanied by my brother devi and vishnu my son in law ,I went.to a tiny beautiful place called
Birunani on june 5th,a small village in coorg.not very popularly known to people,
50 km s from Gonikoppa, bit of a known place, also where i went to school.
The place where my husband had dreamt of creating a heaven on earth for him
self and for his wife and children.That is the place he took me on his Bullet Bike,.covering me with his coat to save me from the red mud dust following us,from the
the roads which remained untarred and dusty until very recently we visited that place to invite people to attend my elder daughters, marriage!
That was a thick jungle...which he took 10 years to clear,which he personally supervised by travelling from shimoga, bangalore. mysore on weekends..from wherever. he worked . some times on his bike sometimes, in those red buses. ...car. after
a while.. those days we missed being togather during weekends. after hard week days...
yes, a small farm house came up, and we used to go spend some precious days saved for holidays when he worked relentlessly...to create that dream....little knowing that fate had its own plans as to where he will find his HEAVEN,..!!!
All around the place,he planted coffee, cardamom,lime.. Orange.. and all those plants available in Lalbagh, Bangalore...The dream took him so high that some times when he turned back he did not realize that...the dream would consume all his earnings..
savings,energy...and in the end his life..!
that was the time the place was looking beautiful and promising....the yields that he expected....but that was the time he was called may be to fulfil his duty
elsewhere,in the cycle of Births and Deaths leaving me alone to fend for myslf , and two kids whose future was a big dream for him togather with this creating heaven in earth in his village...!
During these nearly 20 years... while iwas busy making a life for me and
kids worthy of his dreams..i could not turn toward that village. and the spot where he dreamt his HEAVEN!. now that my kids are settled with their husbands need no
attention from me.. I reminded my self of the duty, i had to attend to..... not that i had forgotten about it all .these years.How could I ,when it is still a nagging pain with in me..!
Meanwhile over the years . the heaven in the making...vertually turned into a thick jungle again..in the absence of any helping hand to clear the weeds. or at least a watchful eye. My visits once in way only made my heart grow heavy..,with guilt of not being able to at least keep the place as it is, and maintain it. not that i did not try.. and i succeeded in only keeping the rights of the property with us. THANK GOD.. YOU HAVE BEEN KIND TO US.
yes.. I CALL IT A BIG DAY...5TH OF JUNE 2010... I WAS ABLE TO GO THERE...
THAT DAY I WENT TO THE SPOT... WALKED UP TO THE PLACE .WHERE THE REMAINS OF MY HUSBAND, his mother and brother are laid paid homage... came down , to find a place to sit, to save myself from leaches sucking my blood though it is not as difficult as to save yourself from the human leaches ..for those 20 years.
I sat on the rubbles of that farm house which had collapsed. hiding the big wooden cot on which we the family would spend the nights for two days on week ends we used to visit the place...where as the tiles and wooden slabs n other things which would fetch some money are..not left there. Made away with, by people who were sopposed to have an eye on them to watch. during my absence!!!!
But then , i sat on the stone piller fallen across, saving myself from the marching leaches.,After all i have not lost so much ..I had saved myslf from the,leaches,
sitting in my own land, my own place may be rubbles...! more than any thing else i had not lost my self respect, .. i spent some happiest moments thinking of the happy moments we had sitting on those rubbles.. sharing it with vishnu my son in law
who had accompanied me.. I was proud of my husband at that moment .. still am forever. a
After lunch i met some people who had invited me there,to discuss about a proposal . very dear to my husband.., That was a miracle happening. That day while i signed a .paper offering a piece of that land in memory of my husband for a social cause... i have sown a seed for realizing the dream of my husband.
By the grace of almighty i am confident that the seed will receive all the
sunshine, water.. manure... protection to sprout in right time and grow up..
tall and extend its branches to protect and give shelter to many more for generations. that was the big dream of my husband ACHIA...and that was a BIG DAY for me..!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
KIDS at .HOME...
YEs the kids are at home.... after a long time now.I am surprised as to how it has brought out my hidden energy out! at the same time...the patience which I thought 1 have lost over the years now that both my "KIDS" are married...
Again my house was filled with fun and laughter... you will not believe that even my boogy.. my pet became very active.. running behind kids for bescuits...or after being chased by kids to catch her,
my thrill new no bounds when new books came home with lot of covering paper and labels and was dumped on the dining table.. bringing back my memories of I used to take pleasure in covering new books ..for lakshmi and tulsi.... ho.. the smell of new books!
now taking them for walks.. proudly that "dont think i have only dogs to walk always..."...may be i gave that look to onlookers.
All this in the midst of the mess..i had to put up with in my drawing room , her a cry... there a cry... But they are a bundle of joy..!
by the by we call these bundles of joy...by lovely names.. ARZOO and her little sister TAMANNA..some times i call them ZOOOOOM and TAAAM
They stayed with me with their mother muthu....for about 10 to 15 days....
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
WHEN I HAD TO SEND AWAY CHUPPY
Chuppy came to my life suddenly ...two years ago when myself and my daughter tulsi
were totally un prepared for having another dog at home, as we already have boogy our alltime pet and the favorite of all in the family,for more than 11 years now..!which ..required my attention all the time as she has grown old and developed some health problems..!
BUT..that was one pleasant morning in April .i opened the front door and stood in the balcony.looking down to my small garden for any new sprouts ,shoots or new colours... but instead LO..i saw a small boy holding in his arms a cute little pup with twinkling eyes ..having an argument with the watch mans wife in front of my house. hungry.. but cute! I grabbed it and told him i will keep it and feed it .and restore her to the owner.
NOW when i brouht her room up tulsi was sleeping , i knocked to enter.
As she opened her eyes she grabbed it and cuddled n was so happy that i had not seen such joy in tulsis face for a long time now.. as she was stressed about changing her job.. and taken abreak.she would not give it back to me untill i consented for keeping it if no one turns up.tThat was a week earlier to her birth day so i told her this your gift for your birthday.
next day tulsi took her to vet and got new belt chain etc etc followed by photo sessions....pictures..sent all over to lakshmi my elder daughter in u. s.,cousins...so news spread far and wide about...OUR CHUPPY!
Now yes tulsi.was at home not working.....so all the time they were together and also she was sleeping with boogy,....happy !How do i know that this happy bliss was going to be short lived.....soon she started looking bigger than Boogy.
wow,. god help me the trouble started when chuppi started biting every thing on earth....! it became very jealous of boogy... started making sounds i have never heard before. when i leave the house for my walks or shopping i could hear her screams one kilometer away.. ! neighbors started complaining!
One day morning, when I opened the door with food...chuppi is not bouncing on me for food,. sitting in a corner giving me coy looks...her eyes suddenly..looking beautiful...like used a eye liner.!
for a moment ..i didn't know what was happening..BUT then looking at its coy looks i realised it has come of age.hence this Ladylike behavior..!!!
Then on ,day by day it was looking more beautiful...like a teenaged girl but again full of mischief.it broke three chains one bigger than the other..while trying to
chase other suiters... but it was pleasure watching it run like a horse., with its sleek body and matching..long legs... .!
Some times i used to envy. the neighborhood ladies.who are walking slowly ,showing off the new saree,
flaunting their chains in spite of warnings .. abut chain snatchers.
Here i am struggling with chuppi n boogi on either side with a wornout selwar set
[dare not wear a saree! Gone are the days i used to wear crisp cottens in summer for a walk with boogi].. Taking boogy for a walk is like walking a cute five yr old child...during such walks i earned lot of friends most of them kids waiving at boogi..parents who are forced to stop their two wheelers, even fours to talk to boogi...soon i became BOOGI AUNTY..!
BUT with chuppi , it used to give me sudden jerks.... having high jump sport on a passer by. Many a times i had to check..turning to my shoulder whether my arm is still attached to me...!
A new problem arose when i had to visit for 3 months..
I did it arranging for the watch man to take care of chuppy.
.
One day after 2 months of stay there, there was an ...URGENT.call
tulsi.. very very upset..that chuppy was exposed and sad that she has become victim of a rape..andis no more a virgin!!!! ok.. i asked her to take chuppy to a vet and she was injected to stop bringing out another patlam of puppies.
AND it was time for me to come back in another two weeks.. was so anxious to see how chuppy will welcome me..
But .. when i arrived the way chuppi welcomed me licking.. jumping...brushing its body on me...one should experience to believe it..! iam sure all the dog lovers have had this experience...at some time or the other !
REALLy , i said they are better than children.... when i said this my girls did not like it .. it is another story.
when i came back from U.s. i found that it was more difficult for me to look after chuppy as it would demand my attention all the more and all the time...
The animal which was quite when i was away; had started screaming.for my attention.
TO add to the problem,
a nagging pain in my ankles and back..which made it difficult for me to take the stronger chuppy..out.
slowly before i realized that the doctors. intervention has not worked on chuppy... it brought out a lump of flesh looking like a pup ... within moments that lump dis appeared. the watch man told me mother dog always eats up the first off spring if it is not fit to survive....! but then i heaved a sigh of relief.. give the mother special care.. for a month..
Mean while my pain in the leg and back was giving me too much trouble... and i requested the watch man to take chuppi for its walks...the greedy watch man flatly refused even if i didn't ask him to do it by imagining that he has developed an attachment to chuppy by attending to it for 3 months . chuppi defenitly has returned him a lot of love and loyalty... but i said i will pay him for that...!
BY that time i had already realised that my chuppy and boogy are more loyal and love me abundently for only some milk and food you give them ..the food is made up of only what you can spare...
THE UNGRATEFUL MAN... whom i have paid thosands..in addition to food for the dog...!
But i am wondering as to why i am pained.. and surprised at the reactions of such human beings.... though he is not such first human i have come across ,...
I am 60 plus!Meanwhile the pain in my knee and ankle and back...was getting from bad to worse..
took x,rays.. massages...but of no avail. pulling back the chuppi the 'jumping jack'
was real task for me..!and to gaurd it from those street dogs around; whose number is increasing day by day....
yes. about a month back,..suddenly my knees were swollen, and i had fever body pain as if my bones were cracking...rushed to hospital..and treat ment followed by physiotherapy. My backbone and the nerves were badly effected because of constant pulls by chuppi., while on its walk. I was strictly prohibited from taking the dog out...climbing up and down the stairs.
THOugh the very thought of sending her away was painful, I started looking for any takers or a good house for her but could not. by that time i had realised that
i was also not doing justice to her by confining..her all the time...'
!
Fortunately for me some body suggested ,,KARUNA KRIPA.. where dogs are looked after well by vets. I contacted them ..who were very kind and assured me chuppi
would be looked after well on the condition that i give a certain amount of money as donation i agreed,!, the very next day... they agreed to come and take it.. i had to agree,, though i was not ready to let it go .. so soon..
. I rang up tulsi and told her ..she also agreed .. may be because there was no other go..and my health was at stake,she said she could not bring her self to be present on the spot to give her away..!
But i am a mother as a mother does not want her daughter to be away.. but for the health and happiness of both. has to send her to husbands place, so i had to do this.
I clicked as many photos as possible.. as KARUNA said that we cant go and visit chuppi... They assured they will find a good house for her..,
MY chuppi was so meek they just took and put her in the van ..i didnt know ...SHE didnt even resist...
but then I HAD TO FEED her well just one time..last well, hot hot food. served to her.. THEN she refused to go with them..... I had to accompany her to van...
IT was heart rending.....tears rolled.. i was unable to control...hugged and kissed her
.
I could not believe myslf that i am sending her away....
Believe me.. i did not feel this much of pain.. even the time i saw my two daughters.. walking behind their grooms leanving me alone...WHY..?
i ran into the house and rang up tulsi to telll her ,,...I SENT MY CHUPPI AWAY.....
i could nt believe I was sobing like a child...
.. Now after about 10 days i think of chuppi every day morning .. walk time...
and when I get big bones on dining table... evening walking time..
but console my self that.. what i did was not only in the interst of my health but also in the interest of my chuppi..!!!
CHHUPPi... be happy whereever you are....!!
!
.!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
A DRIZZLE .. IN HOT SUMMER !
...on the next day after tulsi, Vishnu visited..me with vishnus parents..
..
YES, I like the silence of my house.. be immersed in that silence...cherish some of the silent moments .....but when my loved ones come , even for a short time create , noise n fun , laughter...it is like a fresh breeze and small drizzle of rain...in midst of hot summer..!
Yet when they leave the same silence becomes unbearable....just like the... heat becomes unbearable ,n after .a small drizzle of rain ...during summer.....
..
YES, I like the silence of my house.. be immersed in that silence...cherish some of the silent moments .....but when my loved ones come , even for a short time create , noise n fun , laughter...it is like a fresh breeze and small drizzle of rain...in midst of hot summer..!
Yet when they leave the same silence becomes unbearable....just like the... heat becomes unbearable ,n after .a small drizzle of rain ...during summer.....
my only mother at 92 years.....
May 13th copy of my thoughts on mothers day which i posted on face book
Should be the first entry to my blog.....
1.....My mother is a very very strong women....thank god that i have inherited her grit..n the spirit..etc but i am afraid i have not got her strength..physical.....some times when i fall ill often...
But then quickly i realise that....that i got it from her the WILL to get up on my own ...and run to make good the inninings ihave lost.....I SALUTE HER....sHE IS MY MOTHER,,,,,she is 92 yrs...Long live MY MOTHER !
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