Who am i...?
I remember I have been asking this question to myself, since the time I have been a teenager off and on,but dismissed it as a mad thought . knew it was not a spiritual question either, but was in quest of my identity !
Now that I have crossed the age of sixty,..also crossed ups and downs of life too many,the question comes up in my mind often . It is time I vent my thoughts on this.
CHILDHOOD
Sure my childhood must have been a bliss, like any body else's, born to noble parents
in a good family. Second of six,got enough love,good education, good upbringing ,must have been joyful! I have no childhood pictures to prove this,I stand tall and proud...a proof myself !
Naturally ,Who am I,did not bother me then.
TEENAGE
Yes, by the time I finished school and was in teens, when ever in a pensive mood, asked
who am I? But I could identify myself only with my name.I have a beautiful name, Kusum...my
parents called me Kusumaa...to get me out of the deep thoughts I used to go into,
most of the times,my head buried into an open book.My kith and kin,called later my husband fondly ..Kusum.! Friends ,colleagues even teachers liked Kusum ,for a fair,lean
delicate looking girl and not Bollamma, my official name in school, office and my passoport.So I was Kusum at home. As I am writing this I realised that,there is no body to call me Kusum ,in and arround me at home for the long past twenty years now ! No doubt feel strange to hear that name, once in away...!Used ,more to refer to me than to call me.
SO AM I BOLLAMMA!
Yes, I like this Name,identified with it ,through out my school,college days. praised as one of the best students,called out from stages during annual days, to get prizes by this name. This was the most musical name ,Bollamma, when I was called out, to receive my gold-medal with the degree,for my post-graduation from Mysore university !(I was, P for my Family name, S for my fathers name Somaiah.) P.S Bollamma an upright,honest ..Bank official(so do I believe)..Even if it was otherwise, that was my name through out Thirty years of service in the bank.
MY ROLES IN THE FAMILY
.By the time I am retired I have been playing many roles in the family as a women, i tried to identify myself while trying to find an answer to the same old question ..Who AM I . Growing up the first role was that of a daughter! I am happy the way I performed as daughter fulfilling the aspirations of my parents for me, and assisting them to bring up the other kids as the only earning member ,after my father retired from service.Yes ,I feel like an young daughter when ever, I ring up my mother who is Ninety! Long live my mother ! Till she is alive
I am a daughter!
A SISTER TOO!
Being second of the lot , was sister to three brothers and two sisters. A big family , now I realise the fun of playing ,sleeping together, blanket, and pillow fight, sing and pray together. Now, all of us are above fifty years, busy with their own lives,have no time to meet once in away Growing up has taken its toll...wish we had the same bond!!!
A BELOVED WIFE..?
I was lucky enough to be the beloved wife of my husband as I dreamt for myself. Sure this
was one of the major roles I identified myself with, when god blessed me with the love of my life.This was one of the beautiful part of my life, but like most of the beautiful things on this earth ....
did not lost long!I lost all my identity , When I lost him, before he reached fifty, leaving me alone to fend for my self to bring up two sweet little girls for which he had not prepared me by being overprotective, all the time .He failed me only in death.! sure, he would not have, if only he could help and fight for it !!!NOW,...who am I.?
I had no time to sit back and brood. .But He had left behind a great consolation , when he told me, before he breathed his last, that,I have been more than a wife, up to his expectation,that gave me strength enough to be both a mother and father to my kids. by the way my query ..who am I, faded away..! I had to answer too many other questions , doubts,to my own children and to people who were eager to see how I will live up to the new title they have given me..A WIDOW!
NOw after twenty years of my being a single parent, it is only a month since my daughter tulsi has left to Australia, queensland university, to study for PHD, I remember, she as a nine year old child sat on my lap, looking at people crying over the loss of her father, asking me'' Mommy, are we not going to school any more..?''My elder one Lakshmi had no questions to ask, at fourteen,showing immense maturity, had only assurances , which we gave each other..!I introduced
my self as Mrs Achia..as I felt protected by calling myself Mrs ACHIA.
never the less i am proud of being called so.Any how it was time for me to be a mother and father at the same time and , a SUPER MOTHER !!
MOTHERHOOD..!
MOTHERHOOD itself is a combination of many roles. Here I was left with nothing but multiple roles of a father, a bread winner, a super mother !, Take care of not only material needs but emotional upheavals too,a tough task master to give them right values, and soft enough to wipe
their tears. HuH ! Need to ask myself ,WHO AM I..?
NOW, after twenty years of being a single mother, both girls are married ,settled away from me,both abroad, I sit in the cosy corner of my veranda with a book , still wonder sometimes
WHO Am I.?..which role of mine shall I call my own..?
Can I settle myself boldly with the answer with the last role I am playing, yes I am a mother!No
doubt I am proud to be called mother of Lakshmi and Tulsi.yes I enjoyed the joys ,pleasure of seeing them grow, suffered the pain , sorrow of sending them away,..had it all, like any other mother,I Thank ALLMIGHTY for all the strength and blessings I count, in addition to asking WHO AM I..?
ITs time for me to look back and, also look in front ,to the mirror reflecting my wrinkled face,with a body frail after a bout of Typhoid mocking at me!Who wants your MOTHERING.?your kids already are wives,ready to take up new roles, They do not need your Mothering any more.!
but I cant help, mother is a mother always... I mother them,..at the risk of my concerns become interference, my anxiety, nagging,.. my need to know what is happening with them, a remote control,an assertion, and hence irritating.!How can I tell them..NO.! It is that unstoppable force of gushing motherly love ,for the chicks flying away from the nest I made ,to protect them from ,innumerable dangers gnawing at us from the wicked world outside..!
They are busy making their own life worthwhile and I follow them,wishing and prayingfor them
while they are chasing their own dream..! Does it happen to all parents or is it peculiar to me..?
what ever it is ,they are the apple of my eyes! And they know it... yes they know it!
now again its time for me to wonder WHO am i..?
....BOOGY my FRIEND..!
oh,how do I thank God for his mercy'on me, for my pet, BOOGY ,which follows me wherever I go, sits with me where ever I sit, looks at me kindly whenever I feel low, licks me,when I have pain in my ankle,dances on floor to please me, gets up in the night if i get up..... company for my long walks...!
NOW.. have I got an answer to the question..Who am I..?
kids in my lane around my house,are also friends with MY BOOGY and call me..Boogy Aunty..!
I remember I have been asking this question to myself, since the time I have been a teenager off and on,but dismissed it as a mad thought . knew it was not a spiritual question either, but was in quest of my identity !
Now that I have crossed the age of sixty,..also crossed ups and downs of life too many,the question comes up in my mind often . It is time I vent my thoughts on this.
CHILDHOOD
Sure my childhood must have been a bliss, like any body else's, born to noble parents
in a good family. Second of six,got enough love,good education, good upbringing ,must have been joyful! I have no childhood pictures to prove this,I stand tall and proud...a proof myself !
Naturally ,Who am I,did not bother me then.
TEENAGE
Yes, by the time I finished school and was in teens, when ever in a pensive mood, asked
who am I? But I could identify myself only with my name.I have a beautiful name, Kusum...my
parents called me Kusumaa...to get me out of the deep thoughts I used to go into,
most of the times,my head buried into an open book.My kith and kin,called later my husband fondly ..Kusum.! Friends ,colleagues even teachers liked Kusum ,for a fair,lean
delicate looking girl and not Bollamma, my official name in school, office and my passoport.So I was Kusum at home. As I am writing this I realised that,there is no body to call me Kusum ,in and arround me at home for the long past twenty years now ! No doubt feel strange to hear that name, once in away...!Used ,more to refer to me than to call me.
SO AM I BOLLAMMA!
Yes, I like this Name,identified with it ,through out my school,college days. praised as one of the best students,called out from stages during annual days, to get prizes by this name. This was the most musical name ,Bollamma, when I was called out, to receive my gold-medal with the degree,for my post-graduation from Mysore university !(I was, P for my Family name, S for my fathers name Somaiah.) P.S Bollamma an upright,honest ..Bank official(so do I believe)..Even if it was otherwise, that was my name through out Thirty years of service in the bank.
MY ROLES IN THE FAMILY
.By the time I am retired I have been playing many roles in the family as a women, i tried to identify myself while trying to find an answer to the same old question ..Who AM I . Growing up the first role was that of a daughter! I am happy the way I performed as daughter fulfilling the aspirations of my parents for me, and assisting them to bring up the other kids as the only earning member ,after my father retired from service.Yes ,I feel like an young daughter when ever, I ring up my mother who is Ninety! Long live my mother ! Till she is alive
I am a daughter!
A SISTER TOO!
Being second of the lot , was sister to three brothers and two sisters. A big family , now I realise the fun of playing ,sleeping together, blanket, and pillow fight, sing and pray together. Now, all of us are above fifty years, busy with their own lives,have no time to meet once in away Growing up has taken its toll...wish we had the same bond!!!
A BELOVED WIFE..?
I was lucky enough to be the beloved wife of my husband as I dreamt for myself. Sure this
was one of the major roles I identified myself with, when god blessed me with the love of my life.This was one of the beautiful part of my life, but like most of the beautiful things on this earth ....
did not lost long!I lost all my identity , When I lost him, before he reached fifty, leaving me alone to fend for my self to bring up two sweet little girls for which he had not prepared me by being overprotective, all the time .He failed me only in death.! sure, he would not have, if only he could help and fight for it !!!NOW,...who am I.?
I had no time to sit back and brood. .But He had left behind a great consolation , when he told me, before he breathed his last, that,I have been more than a wife, up to his expectation,that gave me strength enough to be both a mother and father to my kids. by the way my query ..who am I, faded away..! I had to answer too many other questions , doubts,to my own children and to people who were eager to see how I will live up to the new title they have given me..A WIDOW!
NOw after twenty years of my being a single parent, it is only a month since my daughter tulsi has left to Australia, queensland university, to study for PHD, I remember, she as a nine year old child sat on my lap, looking at people crying over the loss of her father, asking me'' Mommy, are we not going to school any more..?''My elder one Lakshmi had no questions to ask, at fourteen,showing immense maturity, had only assurances , which we gave each other..!I introduced
my self as Mrs Achia..as I felt protected by calling myself Mrs ACHIA.
never the less i am proud of being called so.Any how it was time for me to be a mother and father at the same time and , a SUPER MOTHER !!
MOTHERHOOD..!
MOTHERHOOD itself is a combination of many roles. Here I was left with nothing but multiple roles of a father, a bread winner, a super mother !, Take care of not only material needs but emotional upheavals too,a tough task master to give them right values, and soft enough to wipe
their tears. HuH ! Need to ask myself ,WHO AM I..?
NOW, after twenty years of being a single mother, both girls are married ,settled away from me,both abroad, I sit in the cosy corner of my veranda with a book , still wonder sometimes
WHO Am I.?..which role of mine shall I call my own..?
Can I settle myself boldly with the answer with the last role I am playing, yes I am a mother!No
doubt I am proud to be called mother of Lakshmi and Tulsi.yes I enjoyed the joys ,pleasure of seeing them grow, suffered the pain , sorrow of sending them away,..had it all, like any other mother,I Thank ALLMIGHTY for all the strength and blessings I count, in addition to asking WHO AM I..?
ITs time for me to look back and, also look in front ,to the mirror reflecting my wrinkled face,with a body frail after a bout of Typhoid mocking at me!Who wants your MOTHERING.?your kids already are wives,ready to take up new roles, They do not need your Mothering any more.!
but I cant help, mother is a mother always... I mother them,..at the risk of my concerns become interference, my anxiety, nagging,.. my need to know what is happening with them, a remote control,an assertion, and hence irritating.!How can I tell them..NO.! It is that unstoppable force of gushing motherly love ,for the chicks flying away from the nest I made ,to protect them from ,innumerable dangers gnawing at us from the wicked world outside..!
They are busy making their own life worthwhile and I follow them,wishing and prayingfor them
while they are chasing their own dream..! Does it happen to all parents or is it peculiar to me..?
what ever it is ,they are the apple of my eyes! And they know it... yes they know it!
now again its time for me to wonder WHO am i..?
....BOOGY my FRIEND..!
oh,how do I thank God for his mercy'on me, for my pet, BOOGY ,which follows me wherever I go, sits with me where ever I sit, looks at me kindly whenever I feel low, licks me,when I have pain in my ankle,dances on floor to please me, gets up in the night if i get up..... company for my long walks...!
NOW.. have I got an answer to the question..Who am I..?
kids in my lane around my house,are also friends with MY BOOGY and call me..Boogy Aunty..!
